


Desperado

by tyroneslothrop



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Blowies are mentioned, Fluff, High School, Love Letters, M/M, Marriage, Pining, av never wrote fluff in my life, forgive my cynical ass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 20:24:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8682199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyroneslothrop/pseuds/tyroneslothrop
Summary: It all starts when Dan receives a note on his locker, signed by a mysterious 'P'.





	

_If you do not know my heart, good sir_

_then why have you made your home here! - P_

Dan finds the note sticky taped to the inside of his locker, early Monday morning, and he is utterly bamboozled. The handwriting is messy, with something of a masculine edge to it, and Dan would have thought it was from a twelve year old if it wasn’t for the quality of spelling.

P… who the hell does he know with the initial P? There’s Pasqual, Penny the lunch caterer…. he glances around him. There’s no-one here, with Dan being an early riser. The note smells a bit like talcum power. There’s a smudge of sweat at the top right corner of it.

He throws it back into his locker and stomps down to the canteen for his breakfast. He’ll figure it out later.

-

They’re in first period class, and Dan, despite what may be for his best interests academically, tunes out his teacher and ponders the mysterious talcum-powdery note. Maybe it wasn’t talcum powder, maybe it was cocaine. Maybe it’s from Pablo Escobar.

The teacher turns around to draw more complicated diagrams on the whiteboard, and Dan steals his chance to talk to his friend.

“Hey, Peej, psst, what does the initial ‘P’ mean to you?”

“P? That’s what I do in the morning before I come to school.”

Dan leans back in his chair and huffs. A shining beacon of wit and intellect, PJ is. It’s obviously not him. And with the way Penny was glaring at him when he ordered his bacon roll for breakfast, it obviously wasn’t her either. He eyes the ceiling, and his thoughts begin to run through an index of all the P’s he knew. President Obama, Prince Harry…

“Please, everyone! Pass your papers down to me, or put them in your polypockets!”

Dan inwardly sighs - was his teacher normally this alliterative? Soon enough, the bell beckons the class for break time, and he spends the whole 30 minutes in a dumb reverie.

-

He’s fingered the note to the point where the ink is blotting and fading, and the words no longer make sense to him. He thinks he’s fell in love with the author of the note, which is ridiculous, but Dan never claimed to be a rational man. There’s something insensible about the way the exclamation mark is haphazardly joined on to the rest of the sentence, as if it came from a burst of passion on the authors part. Dan loves it.

                -

“Hey, Louise, I need some girly advice.”

Louise gives a noncommittal hum through her cheeseburger, and Dan takes it as a sign to continue. Maths and Science passed in a blur for him, and lunch isn’t doing much to grab his attention either.

“Well, at least I think it’s girly. Are you familiar with the art form that is anonymous love letters?”

Louise raises her eyebrows and sets her burger down.

“How, who’s the lucky boy? Do you need me to proof read your shitty poetry? Remember, don’t rhyme love with dove or above, it’s kinda cor-“

Dan interrupts Louise’ ramble by shoving the note in her face, which is now pretty much unreadable.

“What?” Louise scrutinises the paper, “You donut my fart… what?”

Dan pulls up his phone and shows her one of the many pictures he took of it instead.

“Ohhhh…. P?”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out too!”

“Maybe they were going to finish writing their name, but instead they needed to run for a P.”

Dan groans.

-

                It’s the end of the school day, and Dan has gone to his locker. There’s a scrap of paper taped to the door, and Dan inwardly sighs. He picks it up and scratches his head in bafflement, this note is almost more ridiculous than the last.

_Hello, my love! My sweet! My dear! The moon to my sun, the yin to my yang! You’ve been wandering around in a stupor all day, I’m almost tempted to reveal my identity to end your misery – almost._

_If you go to the charity shop just down the road after school, you will find a present from me. Just ask the clerk if he’s received any packages for a Daniel Howell. I have pre-paid it, do not worry! Who knows, maybe my gift will give you a hint!_

_Till tomorrow, my dear. -_ _P_

He groans, picks up his bag and heads for the charity store.

-

“Hello, have you received any parcels for…” Dan almost forgets his own name for a second, “a Daniel Howell?”

The clerk gives him a suspicious look, and hands him a parcel wrapped in brown paper. Dan barely has it in his hands before he bolts home. By the weight, shape and feel of the parcel, it appears to be books. Dan doesn’t even read!

He flies into his bedroom and is suddenly surrounded by a blur of wrapping paper and string. His theory was right – it was books. Four of them, neatly stacked together.

_Like People in History: A Gay American Epic, Felice Picano_

_The Line of Beauty, Alan Hollinghurst_

_A Single Man, Christopher Isherwood_

_Boy Meets Boy, David Levithan_

“Huh, very subtle…” Dan says, skimming the blurbs on each book. He runs through a list of all the gay and bisexual men he knows with the initial P… PJ? Was Penny the lunch caterer a drag king in her spare time? Sighing, he picks up his mobile and phones Louise for more girly advice.

Ring, ring, ring… “Hey, Daniel, sweetcheeks, is this about the P person?”

“Wait… how did you know?”

“Cause you’ve been acting like a lovesick puppy all day.”

Dan grumbles something that sounds a lot like _shurrup,_ and tells Louise about the new note and the books.

“Hmm…. Let me write down the titles…” a few minutes go by of Louise scribbling and going ‘hmmm’, and just as Dan’s about to hang up, Louise screams.

“CRACKED IT!”

“Wait, really? Tell me! Who is it?”

Louise cackles, “Figure it out for yourself. I’ll tell you tomorrow if you’re super stuck.”

This time, Dan does hang up. Violently.

-

3 chapters into A Single Man, Dan feels his eyes drooping. He’s flicked through all the books, hoping for a sign, a note, a highlighted passage, a something. No such luck, so he’s decided to just read them. He yawns, and finally decides to resign to bed. Just as the story was getting interesting, too! Well, he should probably put the books on his bookshelf now.

He lines them up alphabetically by last name, and just as he’s about to turn the light off, it clicks.

-

“LOUISE! Who do you know with the name Phil!”

Dan lampoons into school and nearly knocks Louise over with the sheer force of his enthusiasm. Louise recollects herself, and responds with a smirk.

“You don’t know? I’ll point him out to you at lunch.”

Dan groans. The next few periods are going to be torture.

-

Dan miraculously makes it through English and Maths without running out the classroom and screaming “Phil!” down the hallways. He got into trouble a few times for daydreaming, but whatcanyado? When the bell sounds, Dan very nearly does scream “Phil!” down the building, and torpedoes his way to the lunch hall.

Louise has barely bought her lunch when Dan jumps on her, demanding to see this mysterious behemoth known as Phil.

“Mmmhm…. fine,” Louise says, guzzling chips as though her life is dependent on it, “see that guy with the glasses, at the far right table… hmmph… sitting by himself... chomp…”

Dan clocks him, and he thinks he has a mini heart-attack. He’s an absolute stunner. How he’s never noticed him before, Dan’s not sure. Maybe he needs his eyesight checked. Maybe he’ll ask Phil where he got his glasses. That’d be a good ice-breaker.

He goes up to talk to him, but Phil leaves before he can get at him. He decides to follow him, see where his locker is… maybe he could have some fun of his own.

-

During Art, he writes his note. His magnum opus, the greatest expression of feeling in the English language, the reincarnation of John Keats…

_Awrite, bawjaws? I’ve never noticed you before until today, and that’s my fuckin loss, cause I would choke on yer chode till I died and met my creator. And then I’d continue to suck yer chode, cause a magnificent bastard like you would have a first class seat in heaven._

_So, anyway… I don’t actually know where this is going. I’ll think of you tonight when I’m in the shower._

_Love, Big Dick Daddy Junior_

He scrunches it up in his pocket, and waits for the bell to ring.

-

It’s been 5 minutes since the bell rang. The coast is clear. The silence cuts deep into the atmosphere. Dan is prepared, sticky tape and paper in hand. He listens harder, makes sure no-one is close, and tapes it to Phil’s locker. God speed.

Not a second after the deed is done, he hears the clack of Doc Martins hitting against the tiles. Dan turns his head, slowly. Before his vision, some sort of bespectacled emo seraph, minus the harp. Dan is so fucked. So, so fucked.

He smiles, and it’s a kinda lopsided half-smirk, and… did we mention Dan is fucked?

“You figured it out, huh?” his voice is deep, and runs as smooth as honey. Dan is _fucked_. “Shame, I had so many more ideas for hints, I was gonna do something involving Scrabble tiles, and… can I read your note?”

Phil pulls out a note of his own, and indicates to trade with him. Dan flushes deep red. If Kony were to break in right now and kidnap him, he really wouldn’t mind. Honestly. Anything would be better than this.

Against all better judgement, Dan closes his eyes and trades notes. He can barely calm himself down to read his, but he manages somehow.

_Hello, my dear! I seen you reading one of the books I gave you. I’m very humbled, I do hope you enjoy them. I’ll maybe have another clue for you tomorrow, seeing as you haven’t figured out my last one. Till next time, darling! Stay beautiful for me. – P_

He stuffs it in his pocket, and dares to glance at Phil. Phil looks… completely and utterly fucking bamboozled. He seems to be savouring every word, reading the note slowly and carefully. Dan wishes for death to come quickly and painlessly.

“Big… Dick… Daddy Junior?”

Dan suddenly takes up a fascination with the tiles on the floor. Gee, they really are something. Wow-ee. Look at those tiles. Suddenly, he feels Phil slide up to him, and Dan’s blood doesn’t know which head it wants to rush too.

“Well, Big Dick Daddy Junior, I’m going to need some evidence to back that statement up,” Phil purrs, and Dan’s blood makes up its mind.

So that’s how the first day of the rest of Dan’s life started. Standing in the middle of the school corridor with a raging boner, with a hot nerd whispering dirty nothings into his ear.

-

_April 2015, Japan_

“Do you, hot nerd, take Big Dick Daddy Junior to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“I do.”

“And do you, Big Dick Daddy Junior, take hot nerd to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“I do.”

“You may now kiss the-“

The priest doesn’t get a chance to finish before Dan jumps on Phil, giving him the best snog of his life.

_Fin._

**Author's Note:**

> BITCH I'M BACK
> 
> BY POPULAR DEMAND
> 
> I ain't ever wrote fluff before so I apologise for my corny ass. Hope y'all enjoyed.


End file.
